Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Whining Wednesday or as my car might tag me these days STINKEEGRL


Whine 1 - Our credit card company raised our interest rate to something like 26 gazillion for absolutely no reason.

(well, no reason that has anything to do with us anyway)

Confidential to Chase - instead of the minimum payment this month, I'll be mailing in a bag of used wine corks and an autographed doodle of a sad face, hope that is o.k.

Whine 2 - About a month ago I started finding these strange moth things in my studio and bedroom (which is directly over the studio). At first it was random enough to not bother me, but then one night last week, we had two of these little creatures flying into the bedroom lights.

They don't bite (thankfully) and are not very smart or fast-moving, but you cannot squash them because they emit some foul smelling substance when you do.

I had never even heard of such critters and admit I had flattened a couple and didn't notice any odd smell before hubby screamed, "Stop!" -

(I was about to flatten one with his beloved Farmer's Almanac)

and then he told me the 'stinkbug story'.

They are also known as shieldbugs and if George had called them shield bugs (or if they had been a pretty green like shown here instead of looking like creepy gray alien spaceships) I might not be as freaked out. I have moved everything in both rooms, checked all the window cracks and can't figure out how they are getting in.

Hubby says, "maybe they are not getting in because they are already in", which really freaked me out and has me shining a flashlight into my boots before putting my feet in them every morning.

We hate the idea of pesticides and exterminators, but we may have to take some kind of action soon.

(or start a little stink-bug circus sideshow to pay off Chase)

Whine 3 - My memory is totally disappearing.

When I'm driving and think of an idea for a project or blog post (or whine), I have a tendency to write down a key word on a snippet of paper

(yes, I know how dangerous this is ... mainly because I could spill my scalding hot coffee and that would interrupt my cell phone conversation)

and then write the whole thing down later. This morning I found a gas receipt from Friday on which I had scribbled:

Hipster
Chess
That guy's feet

If anyone has any idea what the hell I was thinking, please contact me.

Whine 4 - Vanity license plates have taken over New Jersey - neighbors, friends, everyone is feeling the need to tell me a little something about themselves with their car tags. I have never understood why anyone would pay additional money to outfit their Ford Taurus with a "UGOGURL" license plate.

I think they are just plain yucky.

(if you have a really cool one, let's hear about it, maybe you can change my mind)


Mainly there are 3 reasons I would never have one:

Hit. And. Run.

If someone remembers seeing a light blue Escape in the vicinity, well, that could be just about anybody, but I guarantee some meddling eagle-eyed eyewitness would recall a "CORKYMUM" or an "UPCYCLEGRL" mowing down that Scout troop.

P.S. To clarify, I don't actually talk and drive as this is illegal in New Jersey.

(and, no one calls me anyway)

Whine 5 - Hubby and I recently visited an 84 year old neighbor to check out his amazingly impressive coin collection. He also has quite the library although 99% of the shelves are filled with books related to the value of coins. We noticed at the far right of the middle shelf a gigundo tome titled, "Secrets to Great Sex" and right beside it was a smaller book called, "Guide to Better Public Speaking".

At first we were a bit shocked,

(I mean, we didn't know he did any public speaking)

but then it all began to make sense, because if I were 84 and still having sex

(and I mean anything even slightly involving friction with another person who was not my paid caregiver)

I would tell absolutely everyone about it.

Guy behind counter: "May I help you?"
Me: "I am 84 and am still having sex. Yes, that kind of sex."
Guy behind counter: "This is the post office."
Me: "A book of stamps, please."

Then I would hobble over to my SXYGRNDMA car and drive home to train my stinkbugs.

20 comments:

Wasted Wishes said...

lol. Oh, you make me laugh. :)

EMILY said...

Thank you for making me laugh this morning :)

Kristin Tercek said...

Agreed! I was totally bummed out and then this whine picked me up. Thanks :D

M.M.E. said...

Oh wow. I actually saw a car with a FOXYGMA. I was so frightened the foxy grandma would show up that I drove away quickly. I hope you get rid of your stinkbugs.

Kendra Zvonik said...

you are so hilarious, cat! thanks for making me laugh outloud.
i agree with you about vanity plates. i mean doesn't the name say it all?
to quote ABC . . .

"Have you heard the latest? (you love you)
Have you seen who just walked in (vain vain vain vain)
(Uh huh, you love you) Right over there

She's so vain vain vain vain
Vain vain vain vain

I'm glad you've found someone who loves you
But sad to say that someone is you
And now perhaps you'll both be happy
Guess that makes two just you and you
Someone who cares so much about you

But does that someone have to be you
Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom yeah
Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom yeah


Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, you love you
Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, it kills

So glad I found you glancing in the mirror
Gazing deeply at love's patron saint
Admire the frame, survey the scenery
Or are you just inspecting the paint
Temptation's strong modesty's so weak
High on yourself humble you ain't
Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom yeah
Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom yeah

Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, you love you
Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, you love you
Vanity kills, it don't pay bills (no way)
Vanity kills, you love you
Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, it kills

So vain, vain vain vain
You love you (yeah)
Give it, give it us, give it us
So vain, so vain, so vain

Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, you love you
Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, you love you
Vanity kills, it don't pay bills
Vanity kills, you love you

Vanity kills, if the blast don't get you
Then the fallout will

You love you"

xoxo kz

Kendra Zvonik said...

sorry if that was too long! feel free to give that response the axe!

Catherine Ivins said...

I'd never ax you Kendra- love your new piece by the way!!

xo

justagirl said...

wow that was a hoot and a half...
x

Tonya said...

1. We've had that happen too. 29.99%. Luckily the balance was low so we just paid the whole thing off right away. I HATE that they can do that to people!
2. I haven't seen that kind of stink bug before but we used to have them growing up in a very old house and they SPIT! And it stunk and they were terrible!
3. I have no memory either. Someone once suggested yoga to help relax me so I could remember. I counter suggest wine. It doesn't really help my memory or organization but it makes me care less when I'm scatterbrained!
4. (Also known as whine #3.2) I find it especially annoying when you can't even decipher what they are supposed to say. You spend extra $ on that?
5. It's less amusing when it's your 80-something grandparents telling you about their sex life!
~You crack me up. Great post!

Catherine Ivins said...

See- I can't even remember that 4 comes after 3 and I didn't know these bugs were spitters- now I am really freakin!

UnaOdd -Lynn said...

Whatever you do don't vacuum them up.... bad bad idea.

Ummmmmmm Ha! I have an UNAODD plate. :^P Never had a vanity plate before, just got it. Now everyone behind me is confused, but I hope they Google it to see if they can find what it means.

ArtSnark said...

thoroughly entertaining post. If you find some more bugs I suggest you mail them to Chase

Sherry said...

Do I still get to whine even though I didn't read this until Thursday?

And, I don't know about everyone else, but I'm still planning on having sex when I'm 84.

Ordie O. said...

I can't stand those signs old people feel the need to put on their RVs and campers like "Grandpa's Little Toy". They make me throw up in my mouth a little.

witchmountain said...

Thank you for making me howl with laughter in the middle of the most gloomy miserable day, you are a star, better than prozac...they should put you on prescription!!!xxx

stacy di said...

hilarious.

good thing you don't live in California...where there are SO many vanity plates, that you'd have to have "SXYGRNDMA482" as your plate...

Wild Woman Jewelry said...

...still giggling....

Lim said...

There is a couple in my area who have vanity plates. One is MILZ2GO the other is B4I ZZZ.

They are, of course, a reference to the Robert Frost poem Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.

Christine from Farmingdale said...

Ha! In regards to whine #4 Vanity Plates...Don't even get me started on the White Oval Stickers i.e. OBX {grrr}

Ember said...

I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. Thank you and I really appreciate your humor!

Ember