Saturday, March 24, 2012

coming up for air ....

I truly, truly believe that when we are who we truly are we attract what is truly ours

(yes, I just said truly four times in one sentence)

and that when we are not being truly (five) ourselves - the part we were supposed to play in this galactic drama we are working out together goes empty - we don't get an understudy after all - it just sits there all hollow and achy while life rearranges itself around our empty places all the while trying to coax us back into ourselves, into the part we are supposed to be playing - the part we agreed to play when we could see the big picture - calling us to find our voice and use it.

These past few weeks (months?) we have been on an emotional roller coaster around here on several fronts. The challenge as always has been to make sure these new circumstances don't cause us to shut down, contract or stop trusting ourselves and life.

To stay open - even when we want to put up the CLOSED sign and go fishing.

I know that surrender and vulnerability are ground zero for creating anything new, anything lasting, anything real.

To love we have to be willing for our hearts to break, definitely open, but maybe all to pieces, too. It takes courage to make the kind of mistakes that bring us to our knees - maybe we do it to evolve at a quicker pace - maybe we want to wake up faster - maybe we just can't not do it.

All the stuff going on in the world is just mirroring all the stuff going on in our individual lives - I truly (yes, I am going for the world record now) believe that so many people I know are being called to slow down, our priorities realigned and drawn back to center for a reason.

DAVID UPDATE - I didn't intend to update about David, but maybe this is all a little too cryptic without it although this post is definitely not all about David. I will say that he has had alcohol relapses (and this is way too small and insignificant a word for what actually happened which included the police and a BAC of .30 and was followed by heartache, anger and finally numbness) and still has received no medication for his schizophrenia - although he did open up to his case manager that he hears voices in the attic talking about him which could be a huge step.

As I write this we have no idea where he is (he walked out of the first day of his day program yesterday) and what we are going to do next .... when I finally broke down at the hospital and said that he was a danger to himself and others and I would sign that and have him committed I was told "it doesn't work that way" (after I have been told for weeks that it does work that way) and he was asked "are you homicidal?" "are you suicidal?" his negative answers and his signature (and mostly I'm sure, his lack of insurance) got him released ...

For so many years we didn't know him. We knew he was out there, but his problems didn't feel connected to us. Now that we know him everything has changed - we can't unknow him - we can't be unconnected.

And although sometimes it feels like the gains have come at too high a price as we struggle to keep our hearts open (I cannot imagine how a parent could go through this with their child - and anyone who has come out the other side - and I pray we are lucky enough to get an other side - still open and connected with the world is my hero) we know in our deepest places that our seeds have been sown into future gardens that we cannot even begin to imagine; gardens that bloom so brightly they will burn our eyes to look at them.

*amazing underwater photography by elle moss

2 comments:

Botanical Bird said...

Hi Cat,

Your post caught my eye on the feed a few min ago. Very powerful post, so touching and evocative. I have not kept up with your blog in a long time, so was unaware of your circumstances. I am sorry to hear that you and your family are going through some very difficult stuff. I wish you all much love and grace.
I'll be sending loving vibes your way.
XO Cyd

doforanimals said...

Wishing you strength to get through this dark chapter.

I'm currently going through a dark chapter of my own and trying to keep my head above water until the next happier chapter.

All you can do is hang on (humor and persistence are the keys). I keep thinking of George Harrison's song "All Things Must Pass." ((hug))