maybe our emotions can never be too close to the surface - part I

I was talking to my sister about how good it feels to hold Sully (who is now 4 months old) and she was saying she thinks it's because when we are holding a baby we can't be doing anything else - it totally centers us in the moment and it gives us permission to not do or think about anything else.

(it's also because he makes my heart grow 6 times in 6 minutes)

Maybe since his emotions are so close to the surface, he pulls mine up and out. His energy can't meet mine (thank goodness) so my energy rushes up to match his.

These days my emotions are so close to the surface it makes it challenging to navigate a difficult day.  Hubs thinks I take things too close to heart and wear my heart on my sleeve, yada yada

(yes, I am going to speak in heart idioms today, Valentine's day is fast approaching folks - does anyone need a locket?)

My thinking with this is that :

1. Our physical bodies can become so full with emotions that at some point our emotions have to be close to the surface (there is no where else for them to go) and 2. The older we get, the more things have happened to us that get reactivated when things happen now and trigger similar emotions

Maybe having my emotions in a place I can easily access them; close to the surface, is a good thing.

(this doesn't mean I am acting on them every second the way baby Sully is, of course. I was able to keep myself from pitching a fit at Staples yesterday - why can't they stock the gray ink for the printer they sold me that needs gray ink. Why are there 10 boxes of every other color and never any gray ink? Who is buying all the damn gray ink??)

My thinking with this is that :

1. It draws my attention to the fact I am full up with emotional sludge and have some stuff I need to release and 2. It prevents the new stuff from creating more sludge (if only because I am releasing it immediately)

Pushing down my emotions worked for me for years. And this was a subtle thing. I did this stuff without even realizing it. I was a very calm, cool and collected bank manager. I was a very calm, cool and collected mother (most of the time). I was a very calm, cool and collected wife and daughter.

Of course, this is only because no one, including myself, because I was so busy and often out of touch with myself, could see what was happening underneath. And this stuff has not only been jamming up my emotional energy (which makes it more challenging to attract and line up with the experiences I want) but I am certain the reason for the autoimmune issues I am dealing with now.

Releasing something in our mind is one thing; releasing our emotional attachment to it is something else. I am trying to be careful with the stories I tell myself now, because I can totally see how I am keeping certain experiences attached to me that are not high energy and do not serve me.

So, while I am working on releasing the sludge (more on this in another post) I will be keeping my emotions pretty close to the surface. I am not going to go all Uma Thurman in Kill Bill on anyone, I hope, and I will be working on my boundaries so I don't drive myself crazy with this stuff, but I am definitely feeling what I am feeling now ... the good and the not so good - we'll see where this leads ...

part II -  excavating the sludge
part III - boundaries for the thin-skinned 
part IV - using our emotions to line up with the stuff we want to experience


DancingMooney said...

I am a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of girl too (but you know that) :)... It's hard sometimes, but I think finally getting to that point of things surfacing, gives us the feeling of wanting release or results, rather than feeling lost or confused. It's a process.

Sometimes I sit down to write a blog post and delete the whole thing, because it was more of just a release of words, but it somehow helps... typing comes naturally to me too, so my fingers on the keyboard and the words just flow. Is that the same as twirling your fingers in rice?

I still need to try writing affirmations.


Catherine Ivins said...

I delete posts all the time, too- sometimes just writing them is enough and I think people reading it might really think I was nuts. This post started out being about this homeopathic chiropractor I have seen for the last 3 weeks and what he has unearthed, but then I thought maybe it's too personal and kind of whacky - such a tightrope. I think you should try writing them out in script - the written word is much older than the typed word - more power in it!

KJ said...

Drat... the computer made up my mind for me and erased my comment. Should I take a hint? Nah...

I cry much easier than I used to, about happy things.

I am a loving generous person. However, chatting with a friend of mine today who took a risk and won big I said: "don't you just want to stick your tongue out at those short sighted co-workers?" He said no and I had to admit that I probably wouldn't either. I get satisfaction thinking about it though. I have come such a long way from the playground.

Catherine Ivins said...

I cry easier, too, Kathy and harder, like until I am totally spent and yes, things get pretty ugly (and yes, by things I mean my face).

I had an aha moment a year or so ago with a conversation about David (who just called us last week for a place to stay when we hadn't seen him in a year!) anyway, the conversation was with one of George's family members and it was when things were falling apart in part (I thought at the time) because of a lack of family support and this guy was telling me something he had done for David 15 years before and normally I would have said "uh, you did that 15 years ago! what are you doing now?" but I said something like "I know you will do what you can when you can. George and I are helping him now because we can." so I let him off the hook and I had the strangest feeling afterward like I had literally taken the high road, like I was on a higher road after that ... the feeling is still with me and it was such a tiny thing, imagine if I let bigger fish off their hooks ... not sure what this has to do with your comment, but for some reason it came to mind after reading yours :)

KJ said...

I see the connection Cat. We still have the little kid in us who wants to SHOW that we are better, but there is the adult in us who knows better and makes the world better by keeping doors open.

Catherine Ivins said...

"makes the world better by keeping doors open" I like that Kathy xo