Now, sometimes I like to think that I write posts that are lessons I've learned and would like to pass on, but sometimes I think they are really just lessons for me.
(
this could be ... is ... one of those times)
I am sometimes very thin-skinned. I know this about myself and it is something I am continually working on.
In my brain I can clearly see that everything is not all about me.
(except on this blog - which is why I have one,
sort of)
I
know that criticism is sometimes about the other person and sometimes something that I have only imagined and I know that very often it is not personal. I know all of this ...
in my head.
But some other part of me gets ... well, hurt and often
much more hurt than the situation requires.
In her book "The Highly Sensitive Person", Dr. Elaine Aron says that in evolutionary terms, being sensitive to criticism could be a lifesaver. "Back when we were hunter-gatherers, being excluded from the group was very dangerous. We might have starved or even gone insane from being ostracized. We are very social animals."
(now, I have
never thought of myself as any kind of social animal, but I guess it is in my DNA and I will gladly blame my ancestors ... adding sensitivity to the list that includes bad hair and mild OCD)
Our sensitivity to the negative opinions of others is so strong, she says, that we record these emotional wounds in the same part of the brain as actual physical pain.
Now there is some good news here because sensitivity to other people's opinions of us (and brooding and smarting over inconsequentials) is the most adjustable type of sensitivity and I am determined to adjust mine.(and of course this sensitivity means these are things that I actually care about ...
deeply. If someone were to insult my housekeeping skills or singing voice - both pretty bad - I could shrug those things off in a second, but insult the things that matter and watch out)
So here's my gameplan:
1.
Rewrite my mornings. I usually hop on the computer as soon as I am alone in the house, but this immediately opens me up to external things- sometimes good, but sometimes not so good; an email from a customer that she accidentally gave me the wrong shipping address ... to Australia ... for a 3 piece uninsured order that left my house the day before - can get me off to a rocking bad start.
But if I take some time for
me first, before I open myself up to all that external stuff, I will be better able to separate the problem (if there is one) from myself. So from now on - a morning coffee, stretching and shower
before I let the outside world in.
2.
Clear things up right away. If something feels strange or out of balance, I will check in with the other person right away. How many times do we think we know what the other person is thinking and when we finally talk it out- we were way wrong about what was really going on.
3.
Be ready to move on. Putting all our eggs in one basket is a good way to ensure we will take the outcome personally.
(good when things go our way and bad when they don't, but
really always bad because it puts our emotions and happiness and stress level under the control of someone else)
I was turned down last week for a show I was really
counting on ... looking forward to ... because "they were full with jewelry" and of course, being an insanely sensitive person I took this to mean "we don't like your work" when what they probably really meant was "they were full with jewelry".
Next time, I will have a list of other options available. I will move on down my list if someone says no.
I will find that something else that is waiting for me.4.
Get enough sleep. I am much more sensitive when sleep deprived and stressed.
5.
Give myself permission to zap 'em once in a while. I will keep a few zingers in my arsenal because sensitivity can be a strength also and it is often the sensitive people who say
exactly the right thing.
(
I think)
things such as - "
Excuse me?"(now this must be said very calmly and with a straight face as if we really do not understand what we just heard)
Asking someone to repeat a thoughtless comment is a
graceful way to make them think twice about what they just said ... and maybe rephrase it if we have misunderstood.
"
I wonder why you would say that"
The kinder gentler version of "what the hell does that mean?" challenges the person to reflect on his/her motives.
"
Ouch! That hurt my feelings."
This lets someone know we've taken a comment personally
but I will use my zingers carefully and for the big things and learn to let the small things slide.
5.
Keep things in perspective - who we are becoming on this journey of ours is much more important than what happens to us.
When we get beyond taking things personally and allow ourselves to choose a different way to respond, we will become more and more unflappable
and happy.
At least, this is my plan, I'll keep you posted ...
(no stopping ever poster by
EvenAndy)
