Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Whining Wednesday or a bad gag reflex, a cracker barrel funeral and when you can't trust your dog who can you trust

So, I took a week off from my blog to get caught up and instead I caught something and have been feeling lousy (Whine 1)... again - yes, I have been sick three times in the last six months after not even catching a cold last year ...

some people say that when life gives you lemons you make lemonade

but, I think, these are the same people who have one of those "Hang In There" posters of a kitten clinging to a branch in their bedroom and collect Precious Moments figurines.

(so obviously we should ignore them)

Whine 2 - Now, because hubby had been waiting on me hand and foot

(sort of)

and because we were in the area and because I was feeling and looking terrible and didn't want to see anyone I knew and because we really like to party I agreed to eat dinner at ...

(Jaws soundtrack)

the Cracker Barrel.

Hubby loves the Cracker Barrel. I hate the Cracker Barrel.

Now, I have to admit there is a little bit of marketing genius in the way they manage to get us to wander around their 'store' while we wait for them to call us to the table

(I would actually like to try this at my next family gathering, maybe make a few bucks off my jewelry as the relatives wait for the dinner bell)

But, I am terrified to eat there because in the case of any kind of natural disaster, the antique pitch forks, hand saws, and pick axes that cover the walls could fall and impale me, and I'm thinking that would be one totally undignified way to die.

I mean could you imagine how embarassing it would be to have your obituary read -"Catherine died at her favorite table, facedown in the baked country casserole. In lieu of flowers, her family is requesting donations to the NRA."

I spent the entire meal praying that my life wouldn't end within 20 feet of a bin packed with Statue of Liberty music boxes, John Deere snow globes and a clearance priced Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Whine 3 - I am a terrible pill taker. Actually I am a terrible medicine of any kind taker. I hold my nose when I swallow the airborne fizzy water and then need to take a bite of a cookie before I let go.

I used to have a co-worker we’ll call Cindy Bennis

(because that was her name)

and every day at lunch Cindy would make a huge production out of taking her birth control pill, chomping it down like the Cookie Monster.

Tacky (but also reassuring that she wasn't trying to reproduce).

Anyhoo, I always think of Cindy when I have to take a pill and like Cindy, I like to make a big production out of it.


mostly because if I choke on the pill I want someone around me alert enough to do a quick heimlich maneuver on me

Actually, Olive is the only one who comes running when I holler out like this, but she is pretty smart ...

and speaking of Olive Whine 4 - my daughter found a picture online of a chihuahua/beagle who looked exactly like Olive (I would post the picture, but now we can't find it) and since Olive has always led us to believe she was a boston terrier/beagle we have been a bit upset about this.

Not that we have any special fondness for boston terriers or problems with chihuahuas, but we just feel like we've been lied to you know.

(stares Olive down)

it's kind of like if your grandparents told you that you were related to Woodrow Wilson and you spent your whole childhood telling people you were related to Woodrow Wilson and then along came the internet and you discover that you are not related to Woodrow Wilson and not even to Woodrow Wilson's wife's sister-in-law's second cousin.

(not that this has happened to me- dammit grandma)

so, we've been looking at Olive a little suspiciously lately and wondering what else she has been hiding from us

we're going to keep her around anyway, obviously

(because she knows too much about us)

and we love her and all that .. plus she's the only one I can count on to heimlich me if I choke on these damn muccinex...


M.M.E. said...

I'm sorry you're sick. I'm the same way with taking pills. I make a point of making gagging noises each time I take a pill just so that people will feel sorry for me. It doesn't work, sadly. I'm sure Olive meant to protect you with her lie.

littlepurpleroom said...

Sorry to hear of your recent bout.

And I'm sure Olive will never give up your secrets, no matter what they bribe her with. Secrets are pretty darn yummy too.

Larry and I laugh at our 3 jacks.
They are vertically challenged, but if anyone ever breaks in, they will never be able to show their well chewed ankles in public again.

lainedesign said...

You should so get a DNA test for Olive. Also- kudos for posting when you're feeling so yucky. Your readers appreciate it :-) Get well soon!

Illusio said...

What a great blog post hun, actually made me laugh out loud, and after my shit day..what I needed.

Btw, Cracker Barrel in the uk is....cheese.