just because she's beautiful doesn't mean you aren't - part V - repairing our comparing gene


See Parts I, II, III, IV

So, I have been re-languaging my verbal life and finding it actually is re-languaging my inner life. We are either congruent or we fall apart after all.

Positive language (positive meaning certain) is a nemesis of scarcity thinking. Scarcity thinking results in comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy (to quote Teddy Roosevelt). Nobody gets to steal our joy and we certainly don't want to be tossing it away ourselves. Let's not do that.

If it means we have to step away from Facebook or Pinterest or the cafeteria at work or whatever space triggers the 'compare' gene for us, just step away for awhile. Maybe a long while.

Another way to keep from comparing ourselves to others is by pursuing things that cannot be measured. This isn't some kind of cop-out, this is the actual stuff we are here for. Love, happiness, generosity, empathy, compassion, beauty, humility - how can we measure any of this? The more we remove ourselves from society's definitions of success the less negative impact these representations have on us.

Aging is a perfect example. There is simply no way for women to grow older and stay sane without letting go of modern society's definition of beauty. And, of course, the same can be said for men and women of all ages and photo-shopped images and surgically corrected people.

Aging is particularly powerful because we either hold on to something that is definitely leaving or we let go, trusting something better is on the other side. And it is. Anytime we let go of our need to "compare", we win, because the spaces we think we are coming up short have no power over us anymore.

We can also literally change what we are looking at. Anytime we find ourselves comparing our inside to someone else's outside - and this applies whether we come out on top or bottom of this no-win head game - we can take a walk. Go outdoors. We can allow the change in our surroundings to create the change we need in our thinking. This always works. And if the feeling comes back we can just take another walk - not only will we have calves of steel, we will have made friends with all the dogs in our neighborhood and maybe even an actual person aka neighbor.

(of course if this change in scenery takes us to our neighbors gorgeous flower gardens let's not compare them with our own wilting begonias - remember if the grass is greener over there, it's probably because they water it)

I used to be envious of a neighbor's beautiful roses until I started growing my own. They are a lot of work. Mine will probably never be up to her standards of remarkableness. I am perfectly happy with them though. And now, knowing how much work she puts into hers I am grateful I get to enjoy them without having to actually maintain them! I moved my desk this summer for a better view.

Which brings us to gratitude - another way to stop this comparing syndrome is to be grateful for what we have (which always attracts more).

Look for chronic patterns. Some moms get tense when other moms are bragging about their kids. So, if we do this - we recognize it. We don't bury it. We don't judge it. We just look at it. We ask ourselves what this tension is really about. It is never about the other person - the one who is annoying us with her story about Janie's latest win on the soccer field. They are just mirroring an issue for us.

The Sun is in Scorpio until November 21st - this is the time to look deep at what is really going on with our triggers. There is great energetic support to release the stuff that isn't working for us now.

Something I have found that really helps with the 'compare gene' is Bach's Flower Therapy treatments. I took a course about them and have a couple books. I am not an expert though so do your own research and trust your heart.

(I would say trust our gut but if we have been filling it with junk food, it's not much good to us)

I like Oak, White Chestnut, Willow, Chicory, Impatiens. I am going to do a post about them next week. Until then enjoy this amazing Autumn weather - although it felt more like July than late October here in New Jersey today! xo all


KJ said...

The only person worth competing with is yourself. I only need to do better than I did the last time.

Gardens are hard work but lovely. Good choice on moving the desk. Windows are lovely too.

Catherine Ivins said...

yes, doesn't everything look better through a window - why is that I wonder ... maybe the window creating the boundary - which reminds me I should clean mine

yes, do it better than we did the last time - although for me sometimes a new way trumps a better way because I get stuck so fast xo Kathy