Whining Wednesday or a junk tv confessional, I get my black belt and Olive prepares for the Dog Show

W hine 1 - So, I finally got a new cable cord for the tv in my studio and since I have been almost television-less for quite a while now

(listening to the radio or books on tape while I work)

I was like a dieter on a chocolate binge last week ....

First, I watched two episodes of What Not to Wear.

The premise of this show is that the hosts take unsuspecting women and, over the course of a week, teach them how to dress like gay men.

The women get a new wardrobe

(not anything they are ever going to wear again, of course)

out of it and I guess this is why they allow their flaws to be catalogued and closets plundered on national television. I know I'm not that strong. The second Stacy tried to wrench the Joan Jett t-shirt from my fingers, I would probably set myself on fire.

(confidential to producers- if this is something you would be interested in, please contact me through my agent, ie Olive)

Then I watched 3 episodes of Wife Swap, 2 episodes of Montel Williams, 2 days of Court TV, 2 episodes of Deadly Women, 2 episodes of Ghost Hunters, 2 episodes of I Shouldn't Be Alive, 1 episode of Dirty Jobs- the list goes on.

As you can imagine my head is about to explode. I think it is time to go junk tv cold turkey.

I will now be watching the Olympics and the Dog Show

(which has Olive practicing walking very fast with her tail in the air- I haven't the heart to tell her that her own breed- the four letter word that starts with M isn't on the AKC's radar)

so I can refocus and get myself off the tv smack.

Actually, I just remembered that on tomorrow's Montel they will be talking to women who were impregnated by devilish spirits

(which I think is code for Kevin Federline)

and some lady named Zelva (Zelva?) who is afraid of eggplant.

Hmm. I may hold off on my junk tv cold turkey for one more day.

Whine 2 - Now I promised hubby I would cut back on my posts with his name in them, so to protect his privacy and my blog's future involvement in a marital lawsuit I will just call him Mr. Mystery.

So anyhoo, I went to the movies on Sunday

(yes, we rocked Valentine's Day with the Wolfman, which is a film I totally do not recommend by the way - Whine 3)

with Mr. Mystery and - after the movie I went into the restroom in the mall.

(this is where it gets a little gross)

For some reason that I still do not fully understand
(probably something related to a mind filled with a week of junk tv)
I forgot to buckle my black leather belt when I ... um ...finished up
(which has a big silver buckle almost the size of Rhode Island)
which left it hanging open and flopping around as we walked around the mall and into the foodcourt for salad and pizza.

(kind of like leaving your fly unzipped except way more obvious)

I finally noticed it when I saw some people looking at me oddly and then I quick- wrapped myself in my long sweater like a human burrito.

Me - "Mr. Mystery! OMG my belt is hanging open and flopping around like a demented rattlesnake!"

Mr. Mystery - "I know. I saw it."

Me - "Wait- you saw it?! That didn't seem like something you should tell me?!"

Mr. Mystery - "Well, I thought you wanted it like that."

Me - "You thought I wanted my belt buckle open and my belt flapping around!?"

Mr. Mystery - *crickets and pizza chewing*

Me - (UGHHHH! MENS!!!!)

Mr. Mystery - *more crickets and pizza chewing*

Whine 4 - Last night when it suddenly occured to me that my low fuel light had been on for a couple days and I was about to pass the last gas station before the parkway, I realized I had better gas up.

I was alone on the street except for a man riding a girl's bicycle

(complete with pink streamers coming out of the handlebars)

on the center line, carrying a stuffed poodle and an empty Target bag and wearing a yellow rain poncho with its hood up despite the fact that it wasn't raining.

He siphoned 4 gallons of gas out of my tank using nothing but his eyes.

I pulled into the station which appeared to be the setting for HBO's old "Carnivale" (I miss that show) as the guy weaved his way through the parking lot, humming the song "We Are The Champions". He hopped off his bike and planted his furry friend gently next to the filling tanks and walked over to my window.

He asked, "What can I get ya?" as he continued humming and smiling lovingly at his poodle (who's flat plastic eyes had suddenly taken on a menacing glow).

I mean the insanity level could have only been raised had the guy stopped humming long enough to discuss Scientology.

(also am I the only person wondering why a religion with "science" in the name rejects everything the least bit scientific)

I started thinking about the gazillion people out of work and the fact that this guy still had his job and wondered whether I was going to make it out of there alive and knowing that my car is supposed to run a few miles on just electric if it runs out of gas I decided to follow my instincts (I had also watched a couple Oprahs last week) and get the heck out of there.

Anyhoo, of course I did make it home alive and with a tiny bit of gas in my tank so with my belt buckled and wearing my Joan Jett t-shirt I settled in with Mr. Mystery to watch Real Housewives once last time ...

1. FlightPathDesigns's amazing belt buckle
2. The Looks amazing grecian vintage dress - Stacey would approve!
3. Champion Dog Tag from A Passion for Fashion
4. Vintage Texaco Gas Necklace by LilTinPurse
5. TV Towel by PonyandPoppy
6. What would Joan Jett do? cross stitch by Rachel McKay


Katie (Lemon Jitters) said...

Oh goodness. I just laughed so much. I was kinda smiling/occasionally giggling until the man on the girl's bike showed up. Then I lost control. Very well written!

Anonymous said...

You had me laughing out loud! Junk TV is a dangerously delicious thing. I spent an afternoon at a friend's watching Bravo. At first, you think, this is crap. But, then, you can't get enough.

Viktoria said...

Great post! I went through without dictionairy, and even if I didn´t get all the jokes this made me laugh loud!

Unni Strand said...

Your television raid surprices me a bit, cause on my telly, there seems to be only Olympics theese days. All my (well, my five)regular programmes are all switched with snowcontests or documentaries about old, norwegian famous ski stars.

it's me, maggie said...

Gotta love junk TV. It is what reminds me there are people way crazier than me in the world!!!

amy said...

I LOVE your blog! Thanks for the giggle this morning. Yes, junk TV is like a Krispy Kreme for the soul.
And thanks for slipping in my TV towel. Cool!

Sherry said...

I sort of like living vicariously through your cable TV fix.

As for the blank stare of the Mr.... Well, you know I already have my own blank starer.


Sleepandhersisters said...

I now have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard... I am at work and the students are giving me stranger then normal looks.

susan said...

Thank you for giving me a reason to really laugh out loud today! Your blog really rocked today- keep up the great posts- looking forward to your next adventure.

3 squares said...

Kevin Federline!! Hilarious, i am peeing my pants.

I love Wednesdays. Thanks, Cat.

TesoriTrovati said...

You? Are hi-LAR-ious!
Enjoy the day!